Looking Inword, Outword, and Foreword -- My Apology to Steve Rydell

I didn’t mean to treat you so bad

You shouldn’t take it so personal

I didn’t mean to make you so sad

You just happened to be there, that’s all

- Bob Dylan

Dear Reader,

Over the last few weeks I have taken to intersection, to guding my self threw a long long dark forest of emotion, of drama, guilt, sufering, understanding, empathy and compassion. Its been a lonely journey as I walked, and after all of the tossing and turing, I've decided that what I really want is to apologise to my friend, to make amends, to plea for forgiveness. I want my Steve back,.

Nobody likes reading an apology post. There miserable. There is something so icky a bout hering some one on there hands and knees, pubicly begging for forgiveness.. Im cognisant of that, and I'll try to keep the melodrama to a minimum.

Steve Rydell is one of my closet friends, and yes I am using the present tents. When I wake, I think to messsage steve, when my head hits the pillow, its the same. And all the hours in batween are just spent jumping from distraction to distraction as I try to fined some way to avoid thinking a bout him,. I've often wandered why it is that I have developed such a close relationship with a man younger then my son. I'm not gay if thats what your asking. Its much deeper then that. I've come to realise that in many ways are relationship is transactional. I've had the same thing with woman to, ya now. You know I've only ever seriously dated/married eldest daughters? No acceptions. Not a rule, not a planed thing, just worked out htat way. Any way Steve has the personatily of a eldest daughter. I dont know why. He is overly orderly and angrily anal and stupidly stern, by mine own estamation of the man.

He is a great barrier reef. He is strong, massive, steady. Unchanging. I am the fish. I am colorful and fun and ever-moving, ever shifting. Sometimes I am the clownfish, the next day I am the shark, or the octopus. We do not, can not exist with out one another. Every day I am some bobby different. And every day Steve is the same. I have lived in more places then I can count on to hands. Steve has never left Pennsylvania. When I brought him with me on an ill-fated trip to Georgia, his courage was rawarded witha night in the slammer be cause of me. He doesnt liek change. I am change. I am like a woman in this way. Steve is very sensitive. Too sensative for my taste. He is bothered, intensly, by things that do not mater. Or as I am learning to say these last two weeks, things that might not mater to me, but are importent to him. I am relatively uncaring. I go with the flow. To analize are psychology's, I think that we are both the way we are to protect areselves. If Steve never leaves his town, if he never dates anbody, if he never does any thing, then nothing can hurt him. He freezes. Whereas me, if I am all ways on the move, all ways running, all ways shifting shape and changing my face, then I can never be hurt. I flee. Do you see? We are the same in are differentses.

And as I said previosly, are relationship is... transactional. I need him. I need a firm hand, a steady hand. I need a rock. I need reliability, dependability. And Steve needs... musicality. He needs joy, excitement, adventure. We love ecah other so deeply BECAUSE of are inherent differenteses and what we provide each other. But yes, some times, we break each others hearts.

Steve hurt me. Like physically he kicked the shit out of me. He joined his nemesis to do so. But he did this because I had sex with his sister. Now, to be fare, every bobby in this story is like 50 years old (im a few years older but proves my point even more so). We dont have to act like any one needs protection or isnt an agent in there own life. Steve is "protective" of his older sister who is in her mid 50s. The attire thing is ridiculous. If she wants to be with someone thats her right...

but WHATVER. None of that maters. Steve, I hope you are reading this. I am sorry. I am sorry be cause I have behaved in a way that I have come to realise was very selfish. I have not treated you like a friend, but like a pet, or a punchign bag. It was wrong and I feel very terrible. Yes I miss you, and even in this apology there is an inherent selfishness. I want you back. But I know you have been feeling the same. If you are willing to foregive me, I will accept full responsability for this strange chapter, and we can let the past be bygones. We've been friends since Obama's first term, lets not let a little sister fucking getting in the way off that. I commit myself to you, to be abetter friend, a teammate. An ally. Someone who listens before he talks and who values your imputs an dyour needs. and ill stop being mean. I had originally written a whole sob story about all mine own dramatic experiences, but I realised that there was some thing manipulative a bout that. Basides, you had a fucked up life to, and that didnt make YOU be mean.

Steve, I love you buddy. I'm sorry for all of it. If you can fined it in your heart to forgive, I promise that I'll be a much beter friend. Listen, I'm gonna make more mistakes, and I'm gonna get on your nerves just as youll get on mine, but this cycle of brake up make up rock and roll needs a little more stability. Lets both try to be their for each other, to be beter friends to each other, to listen to each other. On all of fhose counts, I'm the one who has to step up first. and I will! I'm excited a bout it.

Thanks for reading,
Love,
Jazz

Situations have ended sad

Relationships have all been bad

Mine have been like Verlaine's and Rimbaud's

But there's no way I can compare

All them scenes to this affair

You're gonna make me lonesome when you go

- Bob Dylan